I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
