He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
