I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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