I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
