Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
