Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
