im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
