if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I need to sanitize my soul.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
