I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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