So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
