It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
