The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
