Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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