yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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