You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
