I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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