She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
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I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize