I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
