Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
