Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
