I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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