What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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