i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
