Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
