Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
