i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
