I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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