I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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