god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
