if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
