Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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