Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
