drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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