Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this just has baby written all over it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
