I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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