I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
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All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
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Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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