Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
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I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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