Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
