you didnt know i had herpes?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
