Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
