She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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