I puked a lego.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
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I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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