Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
