oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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