don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is it because I queefed?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
