yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
