The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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