just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
