I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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