I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
