the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
