my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
