i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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