I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
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Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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