ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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