He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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